Laura Lollar

Communication Consultant, Speaker, Writer

personal change

Interview with Relationship Coach and Friend Audrey Burton

I met some wonderful people when I enlisted in the Air Force, one of whom is Audrey Burton, now a relationship coach who lives in Michigan. Thanks to her efforts and Facebook, we reconnected after decades. I interviewed Audrey on the skills people develop when going through personal changes.

Here are her top success tips:

Q. What kinds of major life changes taught you new skills? Enlisting in the military, getting married, having children, moving every 3-5 years, being a caregiver for family members and my husband’s retirement were all major life changes.

Q. What did you learn? What kind of major relationship changes have you seen people face?
As a couple, we had changes in income levels and always had to adjust because of the type of work my husband did. There was no guarantee of income and there were times when money was no issue. That had a big impact on us. Here’s what I learned along the way and what I try to teach my coaching clients:

Be Flexible & Accept Responsibility

  • When you share your life with someone else, be flexible in decisions and embrace change instead of being worried, upset or feeling negative.
  • Try to find the positives and look at it as an adventure. Our kids never had trouble adjusting because we cultivated that attitude. Now that they’re adults, they thank us for the experiences of having to make adjustments. It’s made them better people and better able to handle their own life changes.
  • Accept the responsibility that you could have made better choices. That’s a hard thing to do. Have a mindset that it happened because of me vs it happened because of him or her.

Prioritize and Protect Your Relationship

  • I made sure my husband came first but he always understood what I needed too. We knew someday the kids would leave home and we should stay strong as a couple for each other, not just as parents.
  • Learn compromise because everyone’s making sacrifices to make things work. You have to find that common ground.
  • Make a conscious effort to remember why you liked each other and fell in love in the first place. We’d talk about our history and things we’d done together and why they were important.
  • Too often we let outside influences pile things on top of us vs causing division. Nip it in the bud early on. We were both hurting in our own way during the time we were taking care of his family. It was seven years of an impossible situation.
  • Other people aren’t going to care about you so you have to care about each other. You learn how to protect your marriage and protect your sanity. Ask yourself, what’s it going to take that I need in this moment to take care of myself? You’re not a whole person giving your best if you don’t ask that question and make it happen. Once you are in a good place, it’s much easier to be able to then meet your partner’s needs. We are a very self-absorbed population and it’s getting worse. Unfortunately today’s attitude is, “I’m going to take care of me and you have to take care of yourself.”

Work as a Team

People fall in love for the wrong reasons and then fall out of love for those very same reasons. What you thought was cute at the beginning isn’t so cute anymore. People tend to live separate lives in hopes of meeting up at the end of the day and they take each other for granted. Trying to figure out who’s got the time to manage certain chores and responsibilities is never going to be an even-Stephen kind of thing. It’s never going to be equal. There’s going to be times when one is giving more than the other and vice versa. If you don’t recognize that, after a while one partner asks themselves why do I even need this other person?

The marriage isn’t a priority anymore. People are so consumed with making money. They end up meeting other people, having affairs, getting divorced. If you have challenges like caregiving, a child with challenges, it’s hard to continue feeling love for people when you’re in that state. There is a tendency to shut down and stop feeling things; they don’t want to feel everything or it’ll all come crashing down on them. Those who are in difficult situations make adjustments to cope with the situation. It could be financial, illnesses, a disabled child, etc. But when the couple is not working together as a team, everyone starts finding fault.

Successful people are always working on their relationships. They try to get away together, they put down the cell phones, learn to communicate better, listen more, talk more. It’s really a choice to decide the relationship is what’s important to them.

Q: Who is more likely to be successful navigating personal change and why?
If your head and feet are buried in concrete, you’re not going to be able to successfully navigate changes. You’ve got to get your head in the right place to get your feet moving in the right direction. Someone once told me he made the conscious decision to be happy and reminds himself of this several times a day no matter what’s going on or how difficult things would be.

Successful people:

  • create a mindset that this is something to look forward to; they believe it’s tough but they’ll get through it and will be just fine
  • have a philosophy that nothing is permanent; you’ll stay stuck if you’re not willing to have that belief
  • cultivate a desire to improve their circumstances and the ambition to see it through
  • set goals and try their best to meet them
  • stay motivated and even if they get off track, have the desire to get back on track
  • are willing to recognize their own faults and weaknesses and what they’re willing to do to change them

Finally: nothing is permanent and change is inevitable — for better or worse.

Audrey’s Personal Story

Some of the major changes in my life started with going into the military. Life was quiet before that. I left home for the first time at 17 years old. Military service was a logical progression with the intention of going to college. But circumstances changed on me and I never made it to college. The service taught me how to get out of my shell. When I was young, I even had trouble going to a store and buying something on my own. Now, I had to do it myself and if I didn’t speak up for myself no one else would. I learned what it was like to be away from family and not have any support. It wasn’t the same back then with no cell phones or social media. It was a huge thing to call home, so you didn’t do it very often. It was my first time learning a job and meeting different people because I had little exposure to people outside my school and family.

Getting married. As I grew up, getting married was one of my main goals, but I had to understand what it was like to marry a man and marry his family. It took a lot to feel like I could fit in. There was that concept of sharing everything with another person. I now needed to run everything by another person and include him in every decision. That was a huge change for me.

Having children. They were less of a change for me. It seemed like a natural progression. It didn’t impede me. I just thought, oh another little person to love! We knew we’d have kids right away and we did.

Our family moved frequently. We moved every 3-5 years to build houses, remodel houses, get out of the area because we didn’t like the way the area was changing. There were always major adjustments and changes: schools, work availability, etc. We were self sufficient. We had fruit trees, animals, gardens. We bought books that taught you how to tan hides and other survivalist skills. We had 2.5 acres at the time and out in the middle of nowhere. As the kids got older, we needed to be more involved so we moved to more populated areas.

Becoming a caregiver. I’m a daughter, daughter in law and now, a grandmother. It’s been a long process, but all involved the same behavior: a lot of routine, being very settled, changes in your family life, marriage and staying on top of that. There was not a lot of free time for me. We still watch the grandkids every day, have doctors appointments, etc. We’re seriously considering home schooling at this time. I can handle it at this point because the kids are younger. The oldest is going into second grade. This is a temporary thing. They will return to school when it’s safer after the Covid virus. K-12 program vs paid home school program.

Husband retiring. I helped him adjust because my life didn’t change that much. He had a specific purpose each day and now we’re together all the time. He feels like he wants to help me so he does what I consider doing my jobs. I tell him, “I know you want to help, but…” I’ve loosened up some and now he understands when I say, “Uh no.”

I learned what skills I needed to keep my marriage strong and healthy through all of our changes.

You’ve got to educate yourself. When we raised chickens, we bought books and used an old shed. Our chicks couldn’t get back up the ramp we’d set up. But I suggested we should put sandpaper on the ramp. My husband did it and it worked. It’s always been that way, I just seem to know how to solve problems. I’ve always had a store of information in my head, but never felt the freedom to say what I knew because I was so shy. It took all these life changes for me to realize people are going to ask my opinion and I can provide good answers. It has helped me build confidence.

Always keep learning.

8 Steps to Choose Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Should I stay or should I go? That’s a question many of us ask at some point in our lives. It may be a decision about a job, career, relationship, friendship, neighborhood, church or even a family event. Is it better to hang in there or get the heck outta Dodge while you can?

Pronghorns near Colorado Springs Face a Similar Situation

They are being slowly squeezed out by development that’s encroaching on their grazing lands. They’re surrounded on all sides with new houses and creeping commercial buildings. Should they stay and get used to being local lawn ornaments or make a run for it while the gettin’s good? This is non-negotiable change. Development will advance, forcing out the last remaining animals one way or the other.

My husband (who is very smart) says I’m good at making analogies, so let’s see if you can relate to these questions for yourself or someone else:

  • Should the landowner make it easier for the pronghorns by removing barbed wire fencing sections to run through? Is that the compassionate thing to do or is it helping too much?
  • Do these critters hesitate to leave because development hasn’t come very close — the threat isn’t real enough just yet?
  • Once they cross the fence, where do they go from there?
  • Should someone take the bull by the horns and relocate them? Should well meaning people tranquilize them or herd them into the back of a truck for their own good?
  • Would they rebel, struggle and make so much of a fuss it wouldn’t be worth trying to help?
  • Or should we let them find their own way, no matter what the consequences?

What about you?

Are you feeling pressured to make a move? Should you stick it out or make a dash for it? Consider these 8 steps as you ponder your future:

1. Transitioning is never easy. Change is like that scene from Indiana Jones where you step out into the abyss, hoping the step will appear to keep you from crashing to the ground. Expect discomfort and uncertainty. It’s normal to be frustrated, fearful, or anxious. You’re in the “messy middle” after all. This may be the spot where you’re still not sure of the pros vs cons or perhaps you’re certain of your path, but it’s still an unsettling ride. Go easy on yourself.

2. Set small, intermediate goals. After we lost our house in the wildfire, there was no guidebook — no step-by-step how-to’s to navigate that non-negotiable change. We had to forge ahead towards short-term goals, which was to first find temporary housing, find a builder, clear the property of debris and file insurance claim paperwork. With each goal met, the more confidence and less fear I felt, knowing at least we were making progress. Go step-by-step my Mom advised.

3. Expect a desire to turn back. You may want to circle back around to where things were safe and secure. Maybe you made a mistake that caused even more frustration and you’re wondering what the heck are you doing? Perhaps you’re questioning if all of this turmoil is worth it. There was a time partially through building the new house that I wondered if I shouldn’t have just sold the land, paid off the mortgage and bought an existing home. Other people took that option. Maybe I should have as well. But looking back now, I’m glad I didn’t.

4. Get more information. Input from others may not necessarily make it easier, especially if there is an agenda present that colors their advice. Ask yourself if their counsel is actually an attempt at control vs “helping”? I believe we’re always better off with a wide variety of perspectives before we settle on a path. Some say it’s too confusing to get more information, but I think more heads are better than one. I didn’t have the corner on knowledge when I was in uncertain territory. Ultimately, you have to live with the outcomes, but don’t shut yourself off from resources that could make your choices and future easier.

5. Consider the lost opportunity costs. What would you not experience if you chose to stay put. What people will you not meet if you go? What skills would you not learn? How would this test help you build greater strength and wisdom regardless of which direction you follow? What regrets could you have looking back, if any at all?

6. Have patience. Some of us, especially those in a leadership role, want action NOW! But acting is not always the best path if we haven’t thoroughly identified the challenge or change facing us. Give yourself time to scope out the lay of the land, consult with smart people, listen to those who are closest to the problem or who have been there before. We can’t control everything. Most of the bad things we fear will never happen. We might be pleasantly surprised at what comes from waiting or taking a slower, steady approach.

7. Don’t be afraid to act. If you’re caught between a rock and that proverbial hard place, you must make the best, worst choice. When faced with two unfavorable outcomes, we may not get everything we want in the way we think we want it. Why? Because we can’t see all the possibilities. There are factors beyond our control, inputs that can’t be anticipated, influencers we haven’t yet met.

8. Pray. Yes indeed, prayer is a strategy. No matter what your faith practice, it’s a way to turn your struggles and concerns over to a higher power. “Let go and let God” is one of those sayings I take great comfort in. I don’t believe in being helpless and do accept God wants us to do our best. Many of us wouldn’t think of leaving Him out of the equation as we grapple with our circumstances.

The Pronghorn Herd is Dwindling

Some brave creatures have been seen trotting down our rural roads, which is quite an unusual sight. These may be the strong willed sort that see the writing on the wall and decide to strike out on their own. Or, perhaps they are Scouts in search of better pastures for their pals who wait patiently behind. Which will you be, the Scout, the independent one or a lingerer forced into a corner with few choices left to you?

Should you stay or should you go?

Additional Reading:

  • The Dip by Seth Godin
  • Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change by William Bridges, PhD with Susan Bridges

Becoming a Theater Kid in Fiddler on the Roof

Ever look back on your life and realize there were one or two things that made you a more resilient, more confident person? Did you ever recognize how much one activity from when you were young had more of an impact on your career success than anything else? For me, it was participating in high school plays.

One year, our co-ed high school did not hold a play. My sisters and I were disappointed because we wanted to try out for a play. But it happened that the all-boys high school a few miles away needed young ladies to star in their version of Fiddler on The Roof. We were ecstatic! We tried out and because we were so very talented (and the competition was limited) we all made it onto the stage with a role to play. 

Over 40 years later, we reconnected with fellow actors via Facebook and Zoom. What a kick to get back in touch with these folks and learn how big an impact Fiddler had on them as well. Here are just a few comments they sent me when I asked, “What did High School Theater do for you?”

From Michael:
Being involved with theater took a shy, insecure, physically small boy,
ignited a passion in the performing arts that continues to this day. All levels of performing arts had an impact: on stage, behind the stage, creation, production, promotion and audience interaction. Being involved in theatre, created self-like, love and confidence, that continues to serve me today. I learned there are things I can do: sing, dance, feel emotions, the confidence to be open in front of persons I do not know.

Theater opened my creative flow, in more that the arts, My life was no longer just black and white but amazing color. I met wonderfully diverse groups of people my age and older. I met people I never would have ever met. I shared with my show-mates intense emotions and friendships that endure and will continue to grow. In short, being involved with theatre taught me acceptance, discipline, tolerance, love, loyalty, respect, problem solving and much much more, the most important being love.

From Pete:
In the times before a social network was borne of bits and bytes, there were networks that were more than social: they were networks that influenced pieces of the rest of our lives. God and Mother Nature conspired to put our bodies and minds into the throes of puberty at the exact time to coincide with entry into High School and all the happiness, sadness, thrills and heart break any one soul can handle. The meek became stronger or more meek. The strong could melt into a puddle of humility or become a force to be reckoned with.

A small segment of confused, meek and strong adolescents came together to test their talents on a stage. They eschewed the High School sports activities and were pulled together to form a team that went through practices and drills that would become a somewhat polished performance on their version of “game day.”

The “theater kids” team is a rag-tag bunch in search of discovering love and self-worth. The love they discover may be for themselves or, often, one of the other theater kids. It may manifest as a deep, hopefully lifelong passion that challenges the most romantic stories of history. However, and more likely, it will be an unrequited love that enables us to commit to another at a different place and time. It is satisfying as a fresh cup of coffee to know in our hearts that friendships we formed back then keep us warm and content into the present day.

To those who are roiled in adolescence, consider this an urge to break the surly bonds of a “bits and bytes” social network. Join a team which, while it may not bring lifelong happiness, provides experiences that will soften your heart, enflame your passions, foster self-realization and self-worth and provide a decades-back look at love and friendship.

Become a theater kid.

From Laura:
From my perspective, it is gratifying to know you can pick up with people you shared such fun times, hard work and gratifying outcomes as if it was yesterday. I too was a shy, quiet young person who had never before performed in front of an audience. (Dancing to Johnny Cash in my bedroom with a make believe microphone didn’t count.) We all agreed that being a “theater kid” contributed to self-confidence, the ability to think before one speaks, and most importantly, the discipline to work cooperatively as a team. We learned what it felt like to “win” with performances we knew were as could as it gets and to “lose” when we didn’t work hard enough.

People who participate in theater, sports or other organized activities are trained to put your own needs on the back burner in favor of team goals. This experience turns young people into valued employees, business owners and community leaders. One activity is just as good as another to build this kind of personal growth but there’s something special about the theater. And every time I hear the strains of Sunrise, Sunset or If I Were a Rich Man, it brings it all back. We will never perform together again, but it is wonderful to share memories that made us all very, very rich in so many ways!

Why We Need to Say No

Billionaire Richard Branson has said, “If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say ‘yes’ then learn how to do it later.” He has also said, “Even if I have no idea where I’m going or how to get there, I prefer to say yes, instead of no. Opportunity favors the bold.”

Sounds like good advice, right? After all, the man has been very successful. He must know what he’s doing. Why, there are tons of memes floating around that feature his words of wisdom. You MUST be worth paying attention to if folks make memes about you!

Yet, Billionaire Warren Buffet, the third richest person on the planet in 2019, has a whole different perspective.

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”

My money’s on Buffet.

It’s easy to say yes. You’ll make everyone happy. Whether you accept another volunteer job, join the board, loan out your chainsaw or agree to bake cookies for another fundraiser, you’ll soon find yourself over-extended, stressed out and unable to do what’s most important.

And you know better than anyone else what’s important. You also know what success looks like in your world — how to define it and what is worth giving up in order to achieve it. Less is more and broken promises ruin relationships. Ask any people-pleaser you know.

5 Things We Must Stop Doing

We don’t need to:

  1. Maintain unfulfilling relationships. Relationships have life-cycles just like everything else. Some may have run their course. Appreciate what you have learned. Mourn the loss, celebrate the memories (if you can), then make new friends.
  2. Join every professional organization under the sun. Ask yourself, are you learning enough to justify the cost and time? Have you made constructive, long-lasting friendships? Do you get business or career opportunities from this group? And finally, have you been able to contribute in a meaningful way? If the answer to these questions is no, then maybe you’re wasting your time.
  3. Justify or defend. You don’t have to comment on things that were beyond your control. You don’t have to defend or justify your words or actions. You made choices based on circumstances or information you had at that point in time. Maybe you made a mistake. (Believe me, you’re not the only one who has.) Just move on and choose differently next time.
  4. Keep doing the same thing. Just because it’s something you’ve done for years, or decades even, doesn’t mean it’s the right path for your future. (I will spare you that over-used quote about the definition of insanity.) Some say the longer you stay with the same insurance company, the more likely it is they’ll raise your premiums. So, it’s good to re-assess. Are you paying a higher price by staying put?
  5. Believe everything we hear, read or see. Now, that’s a funny way to end this article, isn’t it? After all, I’d love it if you agreed with everything I’ve ever written. But smart people question, even if they do so privately. Why? Because there’s always an agenda. Our job is to figure out what motivates folks before we buy in, hook, line and sinker. We’d be wise to consider the old adage, “Follow the money.” It applies literally and figuratively too.

Sometimes it’s good to clear the decks. (My husband, the Navy guy, loves it when I use sailor talk.) Consider the value of your time, energy, money, emotional commitments and relationships you’ve formed throughout the years.

Invest your time, treasure and talents in what counts most. And don’t be afraid to say no!