Do you remember the last time someone did you a favor — lent you a tool, gave you a ride, helped you move or delivered a dish of food when you were sick? Did you then feel a sense of obligation to return the favor when they were in need? If so, you experienced the Rule of Reciprocity, a trait that is present in every human society, according to sociologists. Our ancestors learned to share their food just as we teach our youngsters it is important to share, reinforcing a “give and take” social norm.
The definition of reciprocity is a reciprocal condition or relationship; a mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges; or keeping track and weighing costs and benefits when helping others.
In other words, the Rule of Reciprocity says we should try to repay in kind what another person has provided us. Even the Golden Rule gives a nod to reciprocity, saying we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us.
Three Forms of Reciprocal Strategies
Digging deeper, we discover there are three forms of reciprocal strategies as illustrated in this article:
- “First, in direct reciprocity, individuals help only those that helped them previously, i.e. ‘I help you because you helped me.’
- Second, indirect reciprocity relies on public information where individuals help individuals that were observed to be helpful towards others, i.e. ‘I help you because you helped someone else.’
- Third, generalized reciprocity is based on a general increase in the motivation to help due to a random experience of help, i.e. ‘I help you because I was helped by someone.’”
Reciprocity appears to be primarily a human trait. But in the animal kingdom, there are a few examples of reciprocity, namely in the common vampire bat, Norway rat and the tufted or black-capped brown capuchin monkeys. Capuchin monkeys repeatedly demonstrated donating food to others “by handing over or dropping food close to a partner in an adjacent compartment, who will return the favor in the same way.”
The Power of Reciprocity
In the book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini, the author tells of an experiment conducted by a college professor where he sent Christmas cards to a random set of perfect strangers found in the phone book. He was amazed to see an outpouring of responses of reciprocal Christmas cards sent back to him soon after.
We can increase the chance that people will do what we wish by providing them with a small favor prior to or along with our request. Surely you have received mailings with a nickel enclosed, free stamps, notepads or Christmas cards along with a fundraising request. This is why there are free samples given out in the grocery store — it increases the chances that you will agree to buy the product. To discourage creating this sense of obligation, government employees aren’t allowed to accept gifts, dinners, etc valued at more than $50.00. (I wonder if Congress agrees to this same stipulation.)
Cialdini writes, “The obligation to receive reduces our ability to choose whom we wish to be indebted to and puts that power in the hands of others.”
Concessions Trigger a Sense of Obligation
Even making a concession instills in us the need to make a concession in return. If we turn down someone’s request for a favor, then we are more likely to accept their smaller, follow-on request. But it’s important that the initial request be a much larger “ask” than the second.
For example, political activists were canvassing neighborhoods asking homeowners if they would allow a huge sign to be placed on their lawn saying “Vote for Issue 2D.” The majority said no. After being turned down, the activists then asked if the homeowner would mind a much smaller sign to be placed in their yard. A significant number then agreed.
In the book Influence, the author cited another example where Boy Scouts were offering tickets to a Scouting event which prompted a “no” response. Then they followed by asking if the person who had turned down the tickets would like to buy a candy bar. A significant number bought the candy bar after, we assume, feeling bad about turning down the first request.
How to Keep from Being Obligated
Some of us have become skeptical when offered a “gift” sensing there may be a follow-up request to provide something of value in return. We’ve also learned to wonder “what’s the catch” if an offer seems too good to be true. Being wary is a powerful defense mechanism.
So, how do we avoid being caught up in a strong sense of obligation to reciprocate? The trick is to decide whether or not they have ulterior motives to get you to do something you’d rather not do. If that’s the case, then choose to decline — the rule of reciprocity does not apply under those circumstances. You are under no obligation if you feel they are using the strategy against you. Do not be emotionally bullied to agree to something that forces you into a corner.
However, it’s important not to become jaded and suspicious every time someone wants to do us a favor or offers a gift. The world is full of kind people who want to spread the love around, follow the Golden Rule and do what God would like us to do for our fellow man, woman and child.
After all, the goal is to become better human beings, right?