We were out one night for dinner with a group of friends. The evening had been lovely. Lots of great conversation over hors d’oeuvres with people I hadn’t seen in a while. It was fun to catch up. But there was one person who was new to the crowd. I noticed he was talking at length to one person after another. Soon, I became one of them. It didn’t take long before I knew why people kept fleeing like lemmings jumping to the sea.
He was a Big Talker and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
Thankfully we soon went into dinner which distracted him and cut our discussion short. I was last to approach the table and wouldn’t you know the only seat left was right next to this gentleman. I was trapped! No way out. I couldn’t ask anyone to move over without it being obvious. So I pulled out the chair and sat down next to him feeling like a person facing a firing squad.
Can you relate? You know who these people are. I bet you have someone in mind right now as you’re reading this. They monopolize the conversation, barely take a breath and never ask you a question. They run on and on until you’d like to scream “Shut up!” Of course we’d never do that because we are polite people. We’d never want to embarrass someone on purpose.
But no matter where you are at — in the office, visiting family, networking or interacting with a customer — they’re out there. You can do your best to avoid them but would be difficult if it’s a co-worker, your boss or a family member. There are, however, ways to shorten the conversation and free yourself.
Questions to Ask the Big Talker
Try one of these approaches. Say:
- Just give me the highlights.
- How can I help you?
- I’ve got two minutes before ________ (a meeting, phone conference, appointment, drive my kids to ball practice, etc.)
- What are you really worried about?
- I’d really like to talk more but…
- Can we continue our talk when I have more time?
- Can I interrupt you?
- Can I jump in here?
- Let’s hear what Mary/Jeff has to say.
- Let me pause you right there.
- So what’s the bottom line?
- Take a breath. You’re going to wear yourself out. (humor)
If you notice someone (spouse, co-worker, friend, your 80 year old mother) being held hostage by a big talker, do them a favor and interrupt. Say they are needed in the next room, they have a meeting to go to, you have to discuss an urgent matter, they should return a phone call or send an email etc. Rescue them. They will thank you for it.
Take our Big Talker aside and do them a favor. Diplomatically clue them in. Say, “Mary, you have a lot of great things to say, and (not but), they’d enjoy your conversation so much more if you’d give them a chance to talk. So ask questions of the person you’re speaking with every few minutes. Pause occasionally so they can share their own thoughts.”
Questions Big Talkers Could Ask
Questions to ask others to avoid monopolizing the conversation:
- How are your kids?
- What do you think about X?
- What have you read lately?
- Seen any good movies recently?
- Can I get your opinion on X?
- How do you like your new job?
- Where did you go on your last vacation?
- I’ll bet you’ve noticed some changes in your industry/neighborhood/state. (Wait for them to say yes, then let them tell you all about those changes.)
- Who do you favor in the next game? (pick a favorite team)
- How did you get started in your line of work?
- What attractions are your hometown known for?
- Where did you go to high school, college, grad school?
Why Not Engage?
I’m sure you do your best to avoid Big Talkers but consider this — maybe it’s worth engaging with them. “But why put myself through such agony?” you ask. Because I believe these people fall into different camps: either they are trying to be helpful (to an extreme) which is why they are over sharing. Some have a lack of self-confidence and are trying to impress. Others have struggled throughout their lives to connect with others.
There are people who are high functioning on the autism spectrum who hold down jobs, have families and accomplish great things, but they may lack social skills. It’s a struggle for them so they may avoid conversation altogether or talk too much when put on the spot, especially if it’s a topic they know a lot about. They might appreciate you helping them through the conversational maze.
This is where kindness comes in. Sometimes all that’s necessary to slow them down is to listen, nod and ask a question whenever they take a breath. Show them what a real conversation looks like rather than trying your best to escape. They won’t learn that way. Yes, this will take patience, but you’ll make a friend and hopefully reduce the urge they have to dominate.
It’s easy for me to say. You’re the best judge of how much interaction (or lack thereof) with the Big Talker you can take. But engaging is preferable than trying to duck and cover. You’ll hone your skills and perhaps be an example to others on how to handle this kind of situation.
So gird your loins. Avoid joining the lemmings. Disarm the firing squad!