I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve heard people say that good communication is one of the most important aspects of any successful relationship. I agree, but defining what that means in terms of specific behaviors is often a struggle. People have a hard time naming traits that make someone a good communicator. Listening and asking open-ended questions are usually mentioned.
There are also things we should not do. These are behaviors that can kill communication and ruin relationships, whether it’s with a co-worker, spouse, teenager, mother-in-law, customer, constituent or team member.
Results from Relationship Research
Dr. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Man’s Guide to Women and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child wanted to see if there were patterns of behavior that could identify the happy from unhappy. And there were! He and Dr. Julie Gottman identified four main traits that ruin relationships. He called them the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Four behaviors that can ruin relationships include:
- Criticism: judgment; telling someone your opinion of what’s wrong with them
- Defensiveness: an instinctive reaction when we feel threatened; a coping strategy where we attack another person to shift focus away from our own faults and insecurities
- Stonewalling: a refusal to communicate or cooperate; avoiding contact and engagement; withholding affection
- Contempt: scorn; disgust; disdain; rolling of the eyes; sarcasm; a feeling that someone is not worthy of respect or approval (this trait is the most destructive of the four)
By identifying these four negative behavioral styles, Drs. Gottman were able to predict which relationships would succeed and those that would end in divorce 5.6 years on average after the wedding. Their rate of accuracy was over 90%.
Ways to Avoid Ruining Relationships
In addition to avoiding the destructive behaviors mentioned above, there are things we can do to create and maintain successful relationships. Here are a few:
1. Rather than criticize, learn how to make constructive complaints. This shifts the emphasis from “There’s something wrong with you” to “I have a concern that’s impacting me.”
2. Partners who try to smooth things over will often make “bids” for connection. These are small ways of reaching out to the other person in an effort to resolve the disagreement. When these bids are ignored, it leads to withdrawal and a sense of rejection. Apathy can set in when bids are repeatedly rebuffed.
3. Gottman’s research showed that 69% of relationship problems never get resolved. These issues may come up repeatedly, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. What matters more is how we handle conflict. To cope with these difficult discussions, find ways to improve your friendship and learn better conflict management skills. You may not ever resolve the big issues, but you’ll gain more satisfaction from the relationship which can offset the struggles.
To summarize, if you avoid the destructive behaviors Gottman identified and work to improve the relationship in other ways, you will have more success. And again, it doesn’t matter whether you’re dealing with a personal or professional relationship. Interpersonal problems don’t just exist at home OR at work.
Ask yourself, is this relationship worth a little more effort on my part? Is it worth saving?
Quotes
“At any given moment, you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end.” —Christine Mason Miller, author
“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” —Helen Keller, author
“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” —Kurt Vonnegut
Recommended Reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Drs. John and Julie Gottman
- The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield. “Creative work is…a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.”
- Born Standing Up by Steve Martin. “Martin illuminates the sacrifice, discipline and originality that made him an icon and informs his work to this day… a testament to the sheer tenacity, focus and daring of one of the greatest and most iconoclastic comedians of all time.”
Recently Watched
The Electrical Life of Louis Wain. The true story of English artist, illustrator and aspiring inventor, Louis Wain (1860-1939), who was best known for his drawings of anthropomorphized cats and kittens. There is humor throughout this movie, along with love and the sadness of mental illness. You can read all about the life of Louis Wain and see a few of his artistic works here.